Looking outside at the endless snow, I couldn’t help thinking this might actually signal the end of the world. Everything began to spin. Reality shifted. How long had I moved through life and all its hustles and pursuits, ignorant of cancer growing inside of me? My body absorbs shock and bounces back, I’d always thought. Suddenly, I began to discover myself as a completely vulnerable being, in the process of slowly, or perhaps not slowly, being destroyed from within. What is my environment within that allowed for this mutation?

Suddenly, I felt myself drowning in a future I never imagined -- surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, long-term medication, or all of those. Night after night I allowed only thoughts of faith to carry me to sleep. But each morning I awoke to a nightmare, remembering I have cancer now. I wondered if there was an exit, back into my dreams, back into the vortex, then to a new start?

After the findings of the first surgery, I was told I needed a second one, as soon as possible. I didn’t imagine this could happen! Malignant cells lingered. My mind orbited in a constant state of uncertainty. Do I have a future? How much? This uncertainty has always existed, I realized, but now I lived in a heightened state of awareness. Suddenly, I began to see all the colors and textures! Suddenly, I began to consciously and actively choose life, whether for ten more minutes or for ten more years. At least I have this chance. So many are no longer among the living.

Hearing the news or by osmosis, the survivors began to reach out and share their wisdom. “In many ways it is a gift,” said one. “You’ll never have another bad day again,” said another. When cancer falls upon you, all previous anxieties and sorrows become small pebbles. “You are about to discover how much love there is in your community,” said another. And I did! I wanted to capture this in a bottle and save the world with it. Seriously, why don’t we call or text a few people weekly to check in on how things are going, without that being weird?

​That word, I never imagined hearing that word applied to me.
Hoping the avoided thought would keep it distant from me.
Then suddenly, as I busily pursued my dreams, the skies shifted.
A massive and unusual snow storm
Quietly settled in.
 
It trapped our cars on icy hills;
It trapped us in our houses,
With diminishing supplies,
It trapped us with our thoughts,
With ourselves.
Setting an ominous backdrop.
 
And on February 11th, 2019, that word, cancer,
Entered.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

​There was one unlucky aunt, died at 49,
Leaving behind two young children.
But, I had many of these routine exams,
Ending always in the same benign conclusion,
And reinforcing my blind confidence.

​Avoidance prevailed, month after month,
Almost a year later
A ghostly urgency prodded me
Toward a long overdue checkup.

Looking out at the confining snow,
I began to see the apocalypse.
Reality shifted.
 
How long had I moved
Through life’s hustles and pursuits,
Ignorant of cancer growing inside of me?
My body absorbs shock and bounces back!
Doesn’t it?
 
Suddenly . . .
I realized myself as a completely vulnerable being,
In the process of slowly, or perhaps not slowly,
Being destroyed from within.
What allowed this mutation?
 
Suddenly . . .
I was immersed in a script I was completely unprepared for –
Surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, long-term medication,
Or all of those.
 
I struggled, but accepted the first surgery.
Then, I was told I needed a second one,
As soon as possible.
I didn’t imagine this could happen.
My mind orbited in a constant state of uncertainty,
Uncertainty that always existed;
But now,
I am shifted to a heightened state of awareness
And appreciation.
 
Suddenly . . .
I find myself noticing all the colors and textures!
Suddenly . . .
I consciously and actively choose life,
Whether for ten more minutes,
Or for ten more years.
When cancer falls upon you,
All previous anxieties and sorrows
Become small pebbles.
 
Just as suddenly . . .
The survivors entered
And shared their wisdom.
“In many ways it is a gift”.
“You’ll never have another bad day again.”
“You are about to discover
How much love there is in your community”.
 
And I did!
I wanted to capture it in a bottle,
And save the world with it.
Seriously!
Why don’t we call
Or text a few people, weekly?
Ask them how things are going.
Would that be so weird?
 
Over and over I hear that I am strong.
Sometimes that feels like I don’t qualify for concern.
I have never been more vulnerable;
And I am valuing the honesty of that more every day.
People refer to cancer as something you fight.
For me, it is something I try to make peace with.
There is no light without darkness,
Even (or maybe especially) within us.
 
The feeling of the knife lingers,
And the fear of what may come.
But I have been given the gift of today.
Why am I in a good mood?
Because I woke up today,
And I’m standing here
Alive and whole.

​Born in Santa Fe, New Mexico, Suzanna relocated to the Pacific Northwest at the age of six. Overcoming a difficult childhood, she has walked a path of self-actualization ever since. Earning degrees in theatre, political science, and public management, she has spent much of her life working administrative jobs and strengthening organizations while maintaining her artistic practice of dance and movement and raising her daughter.
 
Through dance and movement she has helped heal many inhibitions from youth. Her journey ​has included Middle Eastern, African, jazz, contemporary, ballet, hip hop, fitness routines, and more, ultimately leading to a career of teaching, performing, and event production. Her global travels have encompassed Africa, Europe, North America, and Brazil, for work, art, education, and family. While working in Niger, for example, she assisted villages with the use of theatre as a tool for education and community decision-making.

She has always had an innate ability to see how all things unify and intersect, yet only recently has she begun to see unification within her own multifaceted life, with the founding of her belly dance fitness startup, RakasaFit, in which she harnesses the power of belly dance as a universal movement practice to bring about health, healing, feminine strength, and community. 

Last February, during the snowstorm, Suzanna was diagnosed with breast cancer. This has been a profound turning point, an opportunity to consciously and actively choose life, whether for 10 more minutes or 10 more years (or why not make it 100?). She now invests in her mental fitness as well as her physical fitness. She has never entered a pageant and has rarely enrolled in competitions of any kind, thus she’s received relatively few awards in her life. If this is the occasion, she will be profoundly honored. If not, she is equally honored to be involved in helping as many women as possible get access to early detection and treatment of breast cancer, so that they too will have the opportunity to choose a meaningful life.