"Suddenly," a poem by Suzanna Davis and Josephine Cooper © 2019

On February 11th, 2019, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This poem was developed in collaboration with my mother, Josey Cooper, from my initial writing on the experience in the moments, weeks, and months that followed. From this poem, I made a voice recording, and choreographed and performed it as spoken-word dance solo.

Photo by Todd Hobert

​That word, I never imagined hearing that word applied to me.
Hoping the avoided thought would keep it distant from me.
Then suddenly, as I busily pursued my dreams, the skies shifted.
A massive and unusual snow storm
Quietly settled in.
 
It trapped our cars on icy hills;
It trapped us in our houses,
With diminishing supplies,
It trapped us with our thoughts,
With ourselves.
Setting an ominous backdrop.
 
And on February 11th, 2019, that word, cancer,
Entered.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

​There was one unlucky aunt, died at 49,
Leaving behind two young children.
But, I had many of these routine exams,
Ending always in the same benign conclusion,
And reinforcing my blind confidence.

​Avoidance prevailed, month after month,
Almost a year later
A ghostly urgency prodded me
Toward a long overdue checkup.

Photo by Todd Hobert

This exam was different –
A new cyst joined the family.
Didn’t look like the others.
It was hiding, reclusive.
“Invasive ductal carcinoma,”
Said the pathologist.

I was still hearing benign cyst, like always,
And not ready to hear anything else.
I asked the doctor, “What’s that?”
“Cancer,” she struggled to say.
 
In that moment
The darkest chaos descended upon me,
Closing in like the weather.
Unpredictable like the weather
These death cells inside of me
How fast are they multiplying?
Where would they roam?
Would they incinerate my dreams?
My life?

Photo by Todd Hobert

Photo by Drumroll Studios

Looking out at the confining snow,
I began to see the apocalypse.
Reality shifted.
 
How long had I moved
Through life’s hustles and pursuits,
Ignorant of cancer growing inside of me?
My body absorbs shock and bounces back!
Doesn’t it?
 
Suddenly . . .
I realized myself as a completely vulnerable being,
In the process of slowly, or perhaps not slowly,
Being destroyed from within.
What allowed this mutation?
 
Suddenly . . .
I was immersed in a script I was completely unprepared for –
Surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, long-term medication,
Or all of those.
 
I struggled, but accepted the first surgery.
Then, I was told I needed a second one,
As soon as possible.
I didn’t imagine this could happen.
My mind orbited in a constant state of uncertainty,
Uncertainty that always existed;
But now,
I am shifted to a heightened state of awareness
And appreciation.
 
Suddenly . . .
I find myself noticing all the colors and textures!
Suddenly . . .
I consciously and actively choose life,
Whether for ten more minutes,
Or for ten more years.
When cancer falls upon you,
All previous anxieties and sorrows
Become small pebbles.
 
Just as suddenly . . .
The survivors entered
And shared their wisdom.
“In many ways it is a gift”.
“You’ll never have another bad day again.”
“You are about to discover
How much love there is in your community”.
 
And I did!
I wanted to capture it in a bottle,
And save the world with it.
Seriously!
Why don’t we call
Or text a few people, weekly?
Ask them how things are going.
Would that be so weird?
 
Over and over I hear that I am strong.
Sometimes that feels like I don’t qualify for concern.
I have never been more vulnerable;
And I am valuing the honesty of that more every day.
People refer to cancer as something you fight.
For me, it is something I try to make peace with.
There is no light without darkness,
Even (or maybe especially) within us.
 
The feeling of the knife lingers,
And the fear of what may come.
But I have been given the gift of today.
Why am I in a good mood?
Because I woke up today,
And I’m standing here
Alive and whole.