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"Suddenly" – a poem by Suzanna Davis and Josephine Cooper © 2019

7/13/2019

3 Comments

 
On February 11th, 2019, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This poem was adapted and developed, in collaboration with my mother, Josey Cooper, from my initial writing describing my experience in the moments, weeks, and months that followed. From this poem, I also produced an audio recording, and choreographed and performed it as a spoken-word dance solo. View the original "Cancer Reflections" >
Picture
Photo by Chris Yetter
​That word, I never imagined hearing that word applied to me.
Hoping the avoided thought would keep it distant from me.
Then suddenly, as I busily pursued my dreams, the skies shifted.
A massive and unusual snow storm
Quietly settled in.
 
It trapped our cars on icy hills;
It trapped us in our houses,
With diminishing supplies,
It trapped us with our thoughts,
With ourselves.
Setting an ominous backdrop.
 
And on February 11th, 2019, that word, cancer,
Entered.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

​There was one unlucky aunt, died at 49,
Leaving behind two young children.
But, I had many of these routine exams,
Ending always in the same benign conclusion,
And reinforcing my blind confidence.

​Avoidance prevailed, month after month,

Almost a year later
A ghostly urgency prodded me
Toward a long overdue checkup.
This exam was different –
A new cyst joined the family.
Didn’t look like the others.
It was hiding, reclusive.
“Invasive ductal carcinoma,”
Said the pathologist.

I was still hearing benign cyst, like always,

And not ready to hear anything else.
I asked the doctor, “What’s that?”
“Cancer,” she struggled to say.
Picture
Photo by Chris Yetter
In that moment
The darkest chaos descended upon me,
Closing in like the weather.
Unpredictable like the weather
These death cells inside of me
How fast are they multiplying?
Where would they roam?
Would they incinerate my dreams?
My life?

​Looking out at the confining snow,

I began to see the apocalypse.
Reality shifted.
Picture
Photo by Drumroll Studios
How long had I moved
Through life’s hustles and pursuits,
Ignorant of cancer growing inside of me?
My body absorbs shock and bounces back!
Doesn’t it?
 
Suddenly . . .
I realized myself as a completely vulnerable being,
In the process of slowly, or perhaps not slowly,
Being destroyed from within.
What allowed this mutation?
 
Suddenly . . .
I was immersed in a script I was completely unprepared for –
Surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, long-term medication,
Or all of those.
 
I struggled, but accepted the first surgery.
Then, I was told I needed a second one,
As soon as possible.
I didn’t imagine this could happen.
My mind orbited in a constant state of uncertainty,
Uncertainty that always existed;
But now,
I am shifted to a heightened state of awareness
And appreciation.
Picture
Photo by Drumroll Studios
Suddenly . . .
I find myself noticing all the colors and textures!
Suddenly . . .
I consciously and actively choose life,
Whether for ten more minutes,
Or for ten more years.
When cancer falls upon you,
All previous anxieties and sorrows
Become small pebbles.
 
Just as suddenly . . .
The survivors entered
And shared their wisdom.
“In many ways it is a gift”.
“You’ll never have another bad day again.”
“You are about to discover
How much love there is in your community”.
 
And I did!
I wanted to capture it in a bottle,
And save the world with it.
Seriously!
Why don’t we call
Or text a few people, weekly?
Ask them how things are going.
Would that be so weird?
Picture
Photo by Chris Yetter
Over and over I hear that I am strong.
Sometimes that feels like I don’t qualify for concern.
I have never been more vulnerable;
And I am valuing the honesty of that more every day.
People refer to cancer as something you fight.
For me, it is something I try to make peace with.
There is no light without darkness,
Even (or maybe especially) within us.
 
The feeling of the knife lingers,
And the fear of what may come.
But I have been given the gift of today.
Why am I in a good mood?
Because I woke up today,
And I’m standing here
Alive and whole.
Picture
Photo by Chris Yetter
3 Comments
Aleili
8/20/2019 06:27:50 pm

There are so many of us who have heard those ominous words... dark, full of despair and fear of the unknown. How much time do we have left? It all comes to a screeching halt. Each breath and thought is cautiously taken in and released out. Can we heal? Will we recover?
Time goes by... somehow we survived. Then~ it revisits us again? Oh HELL NO! Three times and I’m still here! 🤸‍♀️💃🎉🥰🤗🙏

Reply
Suzanna link
8/21/2019 11:48:56 pm

Wow, Aleili, I didn't realize or perhaps remember your history with this. You've always been such a clear goddess, glowing like the sun, and now I'm starting to see the source of your incredible strength and wisdom. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for expressing through your beautifully written words. ♡

Reply
Brigitte
11/16/2019 09:52:24 am

Thank you Suzanna for being you, for being free.

Thank you for you sharing your journey and making art out of it!
Finding the positive life forces and propagating them.

Love you.

Reply



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